


He's in Love

by Mischel



Series: Merlin Rewatch 2020 [3]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Coda, Confused Merlin (Merlin), Confusion, Cover Art, Episode: s01e03 The Mark of Nimueh, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, POV Merlin (Merlin), Pre-Slash, Prince Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Questioning, Sexual Confusion, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23461498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mischel/pseuds/Mischel
Summary: “He’s in love!” The words hit him like a rock.What?“What?”“With Gwen!” Arthur continued, spreading the lie and yet somehow saving Merlin’s life in the process.All Merlin wants is to save Gwen's life, yet somehow he gets Arthur to have a conversation with him aboutfeelingsinstead. Because Merlinisn'tin love. Or is he?Set in 1x03 The Mark of Nimueh.
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Merlin Rewatch 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1670389
Comments: 23
Kudos: 331





	He's in Love

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This fic is a little longer (yay!) and is based on the episode 1x03 The Mark of Nimueh. I've had this idea for a while, and I'm glad I finally got the chance to write it. :)
> 
> Enjoy!

“He’s in love!”

The words hit him like a rock. _What?_

“What?”

“With Gwen!” Arthur continued, spreading the lie and yet somehow saving Merlin’s life in the process.

“I am not!”

“Yes, you are.”

“No way!”

Was it even worth it trying to defend himself when Arthur was so adamant on saving him? But what about Gwen’s life?

“I saw you yesterday with that flower she’d given you.”

Arthur put his arm around Merlin’s shoulders and Merlin couldn’t help but smile at everyone in the room. It wasn’t because he thought this was funny, it wasn’t. It was because he couldn’t believe the irony - how did such a small friendly gesture from Gwen manage to play so well into Arthur’s lie like that?

“I’m not in love with her!” Merlin repeated, but Arthur could be so stubborn sometimes.

“It’s _alright,_ ” he smiled at him as if everything in the world was okay, but it wasn’t. He wasn’t in love with Gwen, as far as he knew . . . was he? And she was still going to _die_. “You can admit it.”

But Merlin couldn’t. “I don’t even think about her like that!” And it was true, he hadn’t thought about her like that until today. Had she? Was that why she’d given him that flower? Was he so blind to affection that he managed to misunderstand everything? And even if he did fancy her, maybe, what made Arthur think it was okay to expose him like that?

It wasn’t okay. It wasn’t okay for him to tell everyone how Merlin should feel. And even if it saved his life, Arthur needed to know that.

Before he could open his mouth though, Uther spoke up. “Perhaps she cast a spell on you.”

Every thought stopped abruptly as he stared at Uther. Time passed, no one moved, and slowly, Merlin realized that maybe this was a mistake. This wouldn’t change anything, and Gwen would still die because of him.

And then Uther started laughing.

It was such a foreign sound - he’d never heard or seen the king like that. When the rest of the council members joined him and everyone in the room was laughing, Arthur’s arm, still across Merlin’s shoulders, visibly relaxed. But Merlin wasn’t sure if he should feel relieved.

Gwen. Was. Still. Going. To. Die.

But then Arthur smiled at him, relief evident in his eyes, and he ruffled Merlin’s hair affectionately. “Merlin is a wonder, but the wonder is that he’s such an idiot.”

Merlin couldn’t help but feel like he failed. He _did_ fail.

“There’s no way he’s a sorcerer,” Arthur added. His eyes were still glued to Merlin’s. Merlin didn’t know how he should or shouldn’t react.

Only when Uther dismissed them did Arthur look away, but just for a moment. He asked his father to be dismissed as well, and Merlin wondered what would follow when Arthur led him outside of the room into the hall.

The answer was nothing. Nothing at all.

Arthur was quiet, but he did grab Merlin by his forearm and forcefully led him back to his chambers.

And when the door closed behind them and they were alone, it finally started.

Arthur turned to him and pointed a finger at his face. “Merlin, I knew you were an idiot but to do this? Are you trying to get yourself killed for the girl? You know my father doesn’t see sense when it comes to magic. Did you even think about what you were doing for half a second before bursting through that door and announcing you have magic? Or are you too blinded by your _love_?”

Merlin couldn’t take it anymore. “Will you stop saying that I’m in love? I’m not in love with her!”

Arthur narrowed his eyes at him, and it didn’t take long for Merlin to realize that Arthur might be thinking about the wrong things now - particularly about Merlin and magic, and if he did in fact just save a real sorcerer. And that couldn’t happen, so he quickly started talking again.

“And I don’t appreciate you telling everyone that I’m in love.”

That got a reaction out of Arthur rather quickly. “And what was I supposed to tell them? Huh? Do you even realize that I just saved your life?”

Merlin did realize that. “Thanks, but that still doesn’t mean that it was okay for you to say that.”

It wasn’t okay because Merlin didn’t want Arthur to make assumptions _for_ him. Love was . . . well, complicated. It was something that Merlin was still trying to understand and most of the time he was just _drowning_ in overwhelming confusion, and he _hated_ that.

It was hard when every boy in his village was talking about all the girls and Merlin didn’t. He tried to, but he just never fit in. He didn’t know how to talk about girls when he obviously didn’t feel about them the same way the other boys did. Maybe it was because there just weren’t that many girls in his village . . . which was why it was so important to him to try to figure it out now that he was in Camelot where there were so many more people. But he needed to figure that out by _himself_. He didn’t want Arthur or anyone else telling him how he should feel about anyone.

“Oh, I’m sorry, _Mer_ lin. Next time you do such a stupid thing and I save your life, first I’ll make sure that you’re okay with it!”

“Well, maybe you should.”

Merlin knew that this argument was stupid, but he couldn’t help but keep going. He probably shouldn’t have.

Arthur let out an exasperated huff and then looked at Merlin with such evident confusion in his eyes that Merlin wished he had just thanked him and left. But then Arthur raised his voice and asked the real question of the day. “Why are you so weird about this? Did you want to die?”

And that did it. Merlin couldn’t keep it all inside anymore, and as much as he tried to avoid this, it all came out at once.

“Because it’s confusing, okay? I don’t need anyone telling me how I feel when all I’m trying to do every day is figure that out for myself! I didn’t even think about Gwen that way until ten minutes ago when you suggested it, and now, if I end up fancying her, how do I know it’s not just because you told me I did? How will I know it’s _my_ feelings?”

Merlin took a quick breath and Arthur just stared. “Back in my village, there was barely enough people to really have a choice in who I like and I still ended up liking only one boy, and now that I’m in Camelot, there are so many people to choose from. And it’s just so annoying that someone makes that choice for me. I want to have a chance to figure that out by myself.

“Is it Lady Morgana? Possibly, but I don’t know, everyone thinks she’s beautiful, what if deep down I just want to fit in and that’s why I think so too? Gwen? Maybe, how do I know now when you’ve ruined it? But that’s still only two _possible_ women and at least five men so far!” Merlin made the mistake of pointing at Arthur at that point but didn’t realize it quickly enough, only after Arthur’s eyes went wide and by that time Merlin had already started talking again, forgetting all about it. “It’s just like back home, and I thought it might be different here when there are more women, but I just. want. to. figure. it. out. by. _myself._ ” 

He was panting by the time he finished talking.

And it was at this point that Merlin realized what he just did. He just _yelled_ in the prince’s face about how he didn’t appreciate his _comment_ , one that _saved_ his life. Ridiculous. He was ridiculous. Did he even have a brain?

He quickly shut his mouth and bit his lip, staring at Arthur who just kept staring back at him, his expression unreadable.

Was it . . . was it weird that he kept count of how many people he liked in that way? Maybe what was weirder was that his list needed to be _gendered._

The silence stretched out for far too long and Merlin had no idea what to do or say or if he should even _move._ Arthur was definitely angry with him now. Or disgusted, or weirded out, or just _something._

When Arthur finally spoke up, it only confirmed Merlin's fears.

“Merlin . . . are you saying that you . . . fancy _men_?”

He wanted to feel normal in Camelot. And now he blew it.

Merlin closed his eyes and groaned probably louder than he should have. Arthur watched him carefully, Merlin knew that. When he opened his eyes again, Arthur was still looking at him, waiting for his answer.

Merlin sat down at the table, suddenly exhausted. Why was he even opening up to Arthur of all people? But it was too late now to stop and take it all back. He sighed.

“I’m- I-” And suddenly the words wouldn’t come. It had been in his head for so many years, why couldn’t he say it out loud? “I don’t know,” he finally forced out. He knew it was a lie. He _did_ just indirectly tell Arthur that he even kept count, after all. “There- um . . . I’m sure I like girls too, okay?” He finally said, looking up at the prince.

Would he sack him for being such a weirdo? 

“But- I’m just trying to figure it out by myself, and when you said that I’m in love with Gwen, I just . . . I hadn’t thought about her that way until you said so, and now I keep thinking . . . She’s such a great friend, she’s always so supportive and nice to me . . . I don’t know if I should have felt that way about her before and the fact that I didn’t even consider it means I’m just too stupid to really notice her or that there’s something wrong with me.”

Arthur slowly sat down on the opposite chair at the table. His mood had changed drastically from the moment that Merlin started talking, and Merlin noticed that. He didn’t know what to expect from Arthur at all now.

When Arthur finally opened his mouth, he said, “Well, I can agree with the part where you said you’re stupid, but . . . “

That made Merlin laugh, unexpectedly, because _of course_ that’s what Arthur would say. Arthur smiled at him briefly, then bit his lips and kept quiet, probably thinking of what to say next, and the silence continued . . . and Merlin was starting to regret everything he’d said, already replaying every word in his head.

Then Arthur sighed loudly and looked at Merlin as if he sympathized with him, but even the thought of having this conversation was too much of a pain. “Do you really feel that way?”

Merlin didn’t know where Arthur was going with that. He nodded anyway. 

“Ever since I was about ten. All the boys in my village were constantly talking about all the girls, even though there wasn’t many of them. I . . . I think I might have fancied one of them? I’m not sure? But . . . I was more than sure that I liked one of the boys, and that just made me confused, and upset. Because I knew that if it was normal, they would talk about it . . . and no one ever did, so I wasn’t normal.”

Together with his magic, this was another reason why sometimes he thought he was a monster. Gaius had already assured him that he wasn’t a monster because of his magic, but Gaius didn’t know how confused he was on the inside about this _love_ thing.

He was never normal and _never_ would be. 

But right here, right now, maybe for the first time ever, Arthur _listened_ to him. That, at least made him feel slightly better - to finally get it all out. It also made him afraid. He had no way of knowing what Arthur would do now.

The prince cleared his throat, then sighed and looked down at his legs under the table, hiding his face from Merlin. Merlin watched him - it almost looked like Arthur was struggling with something. And sure enough, Arthur looked up at Merlin and said, “I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but . . . Merlin,” he looked into Merlin’s eyes with clear certainty. “People might not talk about it, but it’s not uncommon. You’re- you’re not the only one constantly confused, Merlin. That is _normal._ ”

Merlin couldn’t believe Arthur would ever admit to anything like that, but here they were.

He dared the question, “Do you also feel that way?”

Arthur scoffed. “I don’t fancy _you_ , if that’s what you’re asking-”

The rush of heat to Merlin’s face was instant. He quickly shook his head. “No, I didn’t, I don’t-”

“Good,” Arthur nodded at him. “It’s just that you basically said you fancy me, at least you pointed _at_ me, so-”

“You were just an example!” Merlin hurriedly clarified. But he couldn’t deny that the playful smile Arthur was giving him made him feel all warm and fuzzy.

Arthur’s smile disappeared then and he grew serious again. “But to answer your question . . . I did have . . . _thoughts_ ,” he gritted through his teeth. 

Merlin had only known Arthur for a few weeks and he knew that he didn’t like talking about his feelings. Ever. He hated opening up. And Merlin didn’t even understand why Arthur was saying this to _him_ , but he couldn’t deny that it was making him feel better very quickly.

He knew what Arthur was trying to say. He’d also had thoughts about _men._ Merlin wasn’t alone, and he shouldn’t feel like he wasn’t normal because if the prince of Camelot also felt that way sometimes, surely there were many more people who also did but kept quiet about it.

It felt like a huge weight was lifted off his chest. The dread that was constantly present in his stomach as he voiced his feelings out loud for the first time ( _and_ in front of Arthur) was finally gone now.

He nodded at him. “Thanks.” And he meant it.

Arthur looked at him then, and it was like he was _back_ \- like the Arthur he was just talking to was someone else, someone entirely different. He leaned across the table and looked at Merlin almost dangerously.

“Forget this conversation ever happened. Understood?”

Merlin couldn’t fight that smile that formed on his face. “Understood.” He nodded.

“Great. You’re dismissed. I’m sure Gaius wants to talk to you about your _stupidity_ , too.” Arthur stood up and walked over to the window, pretending like he didn’t care about anything in the world.

Merlin pursed his lips and sighed. Typical Arthur.

But for a moment there, he caught a glimpse of someone that Arthur was deep inside - someone that he _could_ be. One day. Maybe _that_ Arthur was the person the dragon was talking about - the Once and Future King. And it was Merlin’s job to make Arthur realize that it was okay to be that person.

He smiled again and finally turned to the door.

Just when his fingers brushed the door handle though, Arthur spoke again. “Merlin.” Merlin stopped and looked back - Arthur was looking at him, a very small, barely visible smile on his face. “You’re welcome.”

Merlin’s stomach jumped a little. Damn. Maybe he _did_ fancy Arthur.

Ignoring that, he smiled and nodded at him, finally leaving his chambers. He still needed to find Gaius and save Gwen - she was still in danger after all and it was all his fault.

But now, at least, he knew he was closer to being normal than he’d thought. He felt better, and that gave him a fresh dose of hope - he broke into a run.

He _would_ save Gwen. No matter what.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it, and if you also feel confused like Merlin, don't worry, it's okay, and you'll figure it out eventually, I know I did :)


End file.
